Batman was arrested yesterday for assaulting his mommy and everyone's got a story to tell about what he really happened on Sunday night. Christian Bale's mommy and sissy issued a statement saying they weren't going to talk about it. They said they didn't personally call the police, but they aren't going to give anymore statements because "it's a family matter."

One of my life's goals is to get my picture taken by the police department. When my time finally comes, which it will, I want to know what to expect. Do you get more than one shot? Do they say "say cheese"? Is there a little birdie over the camera? Do they give you a proof sheet and allow you to choose your best shot? Do they have red eye remover? I always get red eye. Seriously, I have so many questions.

Well, the dude who is playing Dubya in a movie got arrested. Josh Brolin looks so calm and happy for a dude that was just busted in a drunken bar fight. Piece of trash! That bitch was arrested yesterday morning during a bar fight at the Stray Cat Bar in Shreveport, LA. Stray Cat Bar?! This shit is so cliche.

Grass is green, kittens are cute, Shauna Sand is elegant, Tommy Girl's ass-coochie looks like E.T. and DMX has been arrested AGAIN!!!!! Somebody get the good hos at Guinness World Records on the line, because I think this bitch has beat some sort of record.

Meth face alert! Did somebody order an extra sausage pizza? Snoop Dogg's wifey, Shante Broadus, needs to travel with her own personal airbrusher just in case situations like this one should come up. The drunk bitch was driving around Fullerton, CA a little after midnight on Saturday when she was pulled over by the cops. She was arrested and later released with a citation. Bail is not needed in DUI arrests in Fullerton. DAMN! Fullerton is the place to party.

The newest member of the celebrity crackhead club, Tatum O'Neal, said she thanked the cops who arrested her for "saving" her. Tatum was arrested in NYC for buying crack and coke from some homeless dude at 7:30 in the evening. The light of fucking day! Homegirl couldn't even wait until it was dark. At the time of her arrest, Tatum told the cops she was "researching a part." That excuse always works!

Tatum O'Neal was arrested last night for allegedly buying coke and CRACK in NYC from a homeless man. Coke, I can see, but Crack?! WTF?! ? Tatum was busted just blocks from her apartment on the Lower East Side. That's why you've got to get a dealer that makes house calls. Well, so I've heard.....

Scott Weiland checked himself into the clink yesterday at 8:55am to begin serving his 192-hour DUI sentence. Scott was out before dinnertime at 6:54pm. He only served 10 hours. Hey, that's more than Nicole Richie served. Officials must have realized that Scott is too sexy for jail. Even the harsh fluorescent lighting couldn't mask his hotness. Beauty like that should not be locked down. Ugh. Why do I think he's hotter than a ham and cream twinkie? WHY?!

Vanilla Ice was arrested last night in Florida for allegedly beating on his wife, Laura Van Winkle. Laura called the po po and told them he was hitting, kicking and pushing at her. The cops arrived to find Ice a couple of blocks from his house on a motorcycle. Did he have a Coors and a bag of pork rinds in his hands too? Trash!

Anne Hathaway's beard, Raffaelo Follieri, was arrested by NYC police today for bouncing a $250,000 check. TMZ reports he's still in the chokey for one misdemeanor count. He's currently being booked. A source said his bank account was not even close to covering the check.

It's nice to hear that anger management classes really changed Naomi Campbell. She's such a sweet and calm person now. Naomi was arrested at Heathrow today after she allegedly delivered a beat down to a police officer in the first class lounge at Terminal 5 over lost luggage.